Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Fatalism Watch 

While I've had scientists across the world investigating the causes of my shitty childhood, the Village Voice has been way ahead of the curve lately in predicting my shitty adulthood:
On New York City's Upper East Side and in its affluent suburbs, parents facing ever sharper competition for the "right" schools are hiring more supplemental tutors each year, in pursuit of higher grades and the perfect score. Yet a palpable irony lurks behind the practice tests and the No. 2 pencils. A seemingly endless supply of Ivy League graduates, like Rebecca, a 24-year-old alumna of Brown, can't find any better job than the freelance, part-time, no-benefits gig of tutoring the next crop of hopefuls to take their place.

Oy. Not just any old irony awaits me, but a palpable one. It's enough to make a guy reconsider getting a BFA in playwriting. While it may seem best, in times like these, to take what barely-palpable assets one has and sink them into rare coins, don't bother. Fat lotta good they'll do you when we all live under the sea.

My advice: Study this. Air tanks are the new fallout shelters. Soon I'll be making a fortune tutoring Upper East Side high schoolers in the proper use of buoyancy compensators.

Once I've saved enough for my submarine, mom and dad will be really sorry they left me to wander unattened at so many supermarkets. Best genetic legacy my ass.

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