Saturday, March 05, 2005

What It Lacks In Funny, It Makes Up For In Moralizing 

Simple Answers to Vexing Front-Page Problems

Dear New York Police Department's document fraud squad:
Want to eliminate the Fake ID menace? Lower the drinking age back to 18.

Dear U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement:
Want to put a stop to violence on the Canadian border due to marijuana smuggling? Decriminalize it.

Dear Army Office of Public Affairs:
Want to stem the public relations nightmare that is surely to result from the newly declassified documents demonstrating a systematic pattern of abuses, criminal misconduct, and war crimes committed by US soldiers against Iraqis? Just dump the news on a Saturday morning and remember to have faith in the press, for no matter how many of them you kill, they will never give this story (or any like it) as much play as, say, the Chris Klein/Katie Holmes breakup. What's that you say? "Soldiers in another unit had raped Iraqi women and shot unarmed Iraqis"? Why, that's simply -- hey, there's Christo!


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