Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Political Capital One
The Accountability Moment may have passed for Il Presidente, but for consumers, it's just beginning!
Yes, your United States Senate has stopped talking about bleeding the middle class dry and finally done something about it, with the nearly certain passage of the Citibank Bankruptcy Bill, named for collections agent Horatio Smith Baxter-Citibank (or HSBC), who was killed in the line of duty trying to foreclose on the home of an elderly credit abuser. This new legislation will finally put an end to all those hip Chapter 11 parties, where unemployed or recently hospitalized scofflaws run up thousands of dollars of debt and then declare bankruptcy for kicks.
Let's take a look at some of the lesser-known provisions of the Bill:
- Parents: For every late credit card payment, a randomly-selected college will reject your child's application.
- Single Mothers: Should a bank consider you a high enough risk, they may assign you a lonely, wealthy husband. A dowry-fee of 18% of your total debt plus four goats will be charged.
- Banks reserve the right to perform one (1) "ol' misplaced decimal point gag" with your interest rate each fiscal year.
- While you may still request a free copy of your FICO score, it will be printed in the Navajo language with invisible ink. Code Talkers and "Fair Isaac Brand Detecto-Goggles" will be available upon request at your bank's local branch during business hours, for a small fee.
- Armed Service members or veterans filing for bankruptcy will be asked to submit proof that seppuku was attempted before their case can be heard.
- Your credit history will be written by the winners. |
Yes, your United States Senate has stopped talking about bleeding the middle class dry and finally done something about it, with the nearly certain passage of the Citibank Bankruptcy Bill, named for collections agent Horatio Smith Baxter-Citibank (or HSBC), who was killed in the line of duty trying to foreclose on the home of an elderly credit abuser. This new legislation will finally put an end to all those hip Chapter 11 parties, where unemployed or recently hospitalized scofflaws run up thousands of dollars of debt and then declare bankruptcy for kicks.
Let's take a look at some of the lesser-known provisions of the Bill:
- Parents: For every late credit card payment, a randomly-selected college will reject your child's application.
- Single Mothers: Should a bank consider you a high enough risk, they may assign you a lonely, wealthy husband. A dowry-fee of 18% of your total debt plus four goats will be charged.
- Banks reserve the right to perform one (1) "ol' misplaced decimal point gag" with your interest rate each fiscal year.
- While you may still request a free copy of your FICO score, it will be printed in the Navajo language with invisible ink. Code Talkers and "Fair Isaac Brand Detecto-Goggles" will be available upon request at your bank's local branch during business hours, for a small fee.
- Armed Service members or veterans filing for bankruptcy will be asked to submit proof that seppuku was attempted before their case can be heard.
- Your credit history will be written by the winners. |
