Friday, April 16, 2004

Somebody, Somewhere, Find a Cool Conservative! 

I read articles like this every so often, and I tell ya, they don't do a lot for the "hip conservative" meme. This particular one seems to have been built specifically as a strawman for lazy leftists to bat around in an unread blog, but I'm not particularly interested in this column specifically as in the bizarre reasoning behind it.

Don't even bother going to read it, I'll summarize: Star Trek is a validation of early-21st century American conservative/capitalist dogma.

This is a topic the ever-cute Jonah Goldberg returns to every now and then, and I gotta say, there's something a little... a little... off about their claiming a classic of campy tv sci-fi for their causes.

Oh yeah, that's right -- Star Trek takes place in a Socialist Utopia.
There is no money. There is a surplus of every good imaginable. There is a world government on Earth. Their "military" is a scientific and exploratory force. They fight empires. Did I mention that there's no money?

And another thing, guys -- the fact that you watch "South Park" and "Star Trek" and read comic books and see zombie movies and have fun in college with the Young Republicans does not mean that you are "hip" and "cool" conservatives. That means you are geeks. I'm not hating on geeks, as my analysis of the politics of Star Trek demonstrates my own credentials, but I am flat-out saying that there are no "cool Republicans," except maybe Neil Young for a little while, but he's gone back to being more bleeding-heart than me even.

Everyone -- try to come up with some "cool conservatives," and if you prove me wrong, I'll buy you a drink and we'll watch Star Trek VI, in which the Cold War ends in making peace with the "evil empire," who turn out to be very nice, if a little harsh. Remember the villains in that one, Jonah? The hawkish cold-warriors of the Federation.

Some criteria for my "find the kool konservative kontest":
a) Americans only -- Brits have completely different standards about these things.
b) No Vince Gallo, as he is a douche, the general good-ness of Buffallo 66 aside.
c) late 20th-century through the present, please
d) No "cool by association" (e.g. Pat Buchanan was friends with Hunter Thompson!)
e) independents and libertarians are iffy, unless they are Republicans In All But Name (on record as supporting Bush, for example)
f) No Dennis Hopper, as he has not been cool for some time.

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