Friday, March 05, 2004

Shadow Puppet Government 

Everyone loves this whole "shadow cabinet" thing for ol' John Kerry.

Personally, I think it's logistically impossible, possibly not legal, and sorta pointless, except as a political junkie's wet dream (full disclosure -- I don't think real junkies have wet dreams). Honestly, will Ohio get all that excited at the prospect of National Security Advisor Rand Beers!!! (punctuation notwithstanding, of course)?

Hell, why not just have these people, I dunno, campaign for Kerry instead of joining some sort of secret club?

Wait, I get it now -- this is a great way of proving that I know a lot about how presidential campaigns should be run, and also the names of at least 9 important Democrats!

Lemme try:

President: John "Not Bob Kerrey" Kerry
Vice-President: Bob "I Also Served In Vietnam, But We Should Probably Not Bring That Up" Kerrey
Secretary of State: Maggie Gyllenhaal
Secretary of Defense: Hakeem Olajuwon
Secretary of Homeland Security: Viacheslav Ivanovich Molotov
National Security Advisor: Grand Moff Tarkin
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Tom Hanks
Attorney General: Amy Brenneman
Secretary of Labor: Brooce Springsteen
Secretary of the Interior: Ingmar Bergman
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Thom Felicia and Jai Rodriguez

Admittedly, two members of the cabinet are dead, but of those two, one is a fictional character, so he lives on in our hearts.

I think it's a great team, and I think I've single-handedly won the election for Jack Kerry and his Merry Band, as they should take to calling themselves.

Can't you imagine Ingmar Bergman debating Gale Norton? Because I'm trying not to as hard as I possibly can, but still the image is almost burned into my retinas!

And America would love to see two of its favorite inoffensive, desexualized queers take on HUD Secretary... uh... do we have a HUD Secretary? Anyone know? Was he purged?

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